Middleearth Talent Quest
by MeanGeimhridh
Summary: Watch the characters of LOTR in a talent quest. Involves a bald elf, Gandalf and a white sheet, Boromir and Faramir and a can of baked beans


Middle-Earth Talent Quest  
  
Galadriel sat herself down in the carved wooden chair at the back of the theatre. One month ago when she agreed to judge the talent quest it seemed like a good idea, now she deeply regretted it. For one thing if she was going to have a salivating Glorfindel wait on her she'd rather be in Mordor. "Is there anything I can do for you Lady?" a watery voice asked. Galadriel stared in disgust at the drool dribbling down the front of his robes. One comforting thought was he was not salivating over her or Arwen, which presented quite a mystery. Galadriel tried to smile, "No, everything is fine." She turned to her left, where Arwen was sitting. "I swear that elf has totally lost it." Arwen didn't answer she was smoothing down her hair. The theatre darkened and Aragorn walked onto the stage into the spotlight. "Ahem. Welcome elves, men, dwarves, hobbits, ents, orcs, uruk-hais, trolls, wizards, wraiths, entwives, the Valar, Maias, ungoliants and mearas. What was that? Oh and Gollum." There was a horrible din as each race wanted to make it known. The Valar were looking miffed at being right at the back of the theatre owing to their large size. Nienna was weeping on Mandos's shoulder and throwing triumphant looks and Vaire who gave Nienna a look that could've stripped paint. Morgoth looked surly, as Varda had refused to sit next to him. The Maia were just trying to look bored and uninterested because the Valar looked uninterested. The orcs had begun a massacre already with the uruk- hai and luckily they were off to the side so there were no interruptions except what looking like a rib bone flying out and landing on Lobelia's head who wasn't too thrilled. "As I said, welcome to the Middle-earth Talent Quest where you will see the greatest talent in Middle-earth all in one night so enjoy the show!" The ents were trying to have a family reunion with the entwives and entlings after such a long time apart (there were a few arguments about which entling was which ents' son) but had to fight off the ungoliants at the same time because they were positive that all trees had the light the Two Trees of Valar had and wanted to suck the light out. Morgoth who was pissed off at being rejected did nothing to stop them despite pleas from Yavanna and Vana. "First off we have Samwise Gamgee and his vegetable show, so lets here a round of applause from Mr Samwise Gamgee." The applause came mainly from the hobbits and mearas who pricked up at the word vegetable. The curtain was raised and Sam stood on the stage with a basket of vegetables looking nervous. "Hello, I am Samwise Gamgee and I'll tell you about vegetables. This is a potato. It grows in the ground-" "We know where it grows from so get on with it you incompetent fool!" That remark came from Saruman and he was pelted with vegetables from the hobbits down at the front. The mearas promptly tackled him trying to get to the vegetables. Sam looked traumatised, his nerves had snapped a bit after having thirteen children. "Yes, as I was saying. This is a leek and it is very nice in soups and so forth. It has a uh, nice taste and I enjoy it very much." Sam reached into the basket again and suddenly yelped, "Where's my cabbage? Who's taken my cabbage?" No one was really paying much attention to him. The uruk-hais decided to ask Saruman for help in their war against the orcs and were capturing hobbits to take to Isengard that was now rebuilt as slab of bark propped up by two sticks. Sam ran off the stage wailing and Aragorn stepped back on looked rather peeved. Apparently he had gotten in the way of the last orc/uruk-hai clash and now had orc entrails hanging off one ear. "Ah, yes, thank you Sam for that lovely, ah, performance. Next we have ah, Prince Legolas Greenleaf with his re-enactment of what happened in the mines of Moria." Legolas walked on stage and whistled. A tottering figure walked in. It had black horns jutting out which Galadriel recognised as the two pieces of the Horn of Gondor painted black. There was a deafening roar as the real Balrog sitting in the audience lashed out with his whip. "You call that frightening? You puny excuse for a Balrog! I'll show you frightening!" He charged on stage much to the surprise of Legolas who was in the middle of striking a pose. He looked at the Balrog and screamed, "Ai! Ai! A Balrog is come!" The fake Balrog thinking it was his cue lashed out with its whip, which was made up of wet pairs of pants tied at the leg. It splattered water on the real Balrog and they was a loud hiss which was the steam rising from the now very wet, very enraged Balrog. He snorted and a jet of flame landed on Legolas's head, he screamed. "SOMEONE GET SOME WATER!!!!!!" He ran around the stage and ran right into the fake Balrog, knocking it over revealing Merry and Pippin looked disgruntled and slightly dazed. Legolas finally ran off stage and right into Ulmo. His hair did go out but he also suffered the wrath of the Lord of the Seas. Every single guest in the theatre had to stand on the chairs except the ents, entwives and entlings as Ulmo flooded the hall. Galadriel could hear a hobbit complaining about a sausage burnt by the Balrog. To her a burnt sausage would be the last thing she was worried about. A very irritated and saturated Aragorn climbed onto the stage again and pulled out a soggy piece of paper. "Next we have Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took and their Caesar salad eating contest." He stomped off stage the water squelching in his boots. Merry and Pippin came out from behind the curtains, bone dry, lugging a huge tub of Caesar salad each. Frodo followed carrying a stopwatch. "Right. On your marks, get set, go!" Galadriel watched wincing at the headache that had started around 5 minutes into Sam's vegetable demonstration. This was really too much, she could almost hear her nerves cracking. "They are never going to finish that," Galadriel commented. "Actually, I think they've almost finished," Glorfindel said peering over the balcony. His drool dropped down and Galadriel could hear what sounded like Nessa squealing. Galadriel watched in disbelief as Merry and Pippin got to the bottom of the tub and licked it clean. They finished at exactly the same time. "We need more Caesar salad for a tiebreaker," Merry said. Farmer Cotton looked distraught, "But I've used all my vegetables for the first batch!" Pippin pulled a slightly smushed cabbage out of his pocket, "We can eat this!" There was a howl as Sam flew onto the stage and cannoned into Pippin. "You stole Herman! You stole Herman!" he shrieked. Pippin looked confused, he held the cabbage over his head, out of reach of Sam, "Who's Herman?" "That's Herman! Your holding him! Be careful! He's scared of heights!" Sam's voice was so shrill several of the elves covered their ears. Pippin stared at the cabbage. "This is Herman?" he asked pointing. Sam nodded and reached for the cabbage again. Pippin handed it to him and Sam grasped it tight cradling it to his chest. "It's all right now Herman, don't worry. Sam will protect you," he crooned, rocking it gently. The Hall was silent. Everyone was staring at Sam until Aragorn cleared his throat and began clapping. Unsure what to do, everyone started clapping too. Merry and Pippin bowed before tugging the tubs back off stage with Frodo and Sam following. Aragorn stepped up to the stage and looked strained, "Yes, that was a, ah, lovely performance. Next we have the Ringwraithes doing, god forbid, a congo line dance." Galadriel buried her face in her hands as the music started. "Nonononononononononononono," she moaned. She could hear screeching and what sounded like rusty metal grinding together. The combined effect drowned out the music and Galadriel wasn't the only one covering her ears. She dared a peek through her fingers and greatly regretted it. The Ringwraithes were in fluro cloaks instead of black. They draped strings of glass beads around them that clicked when they moved. On the cloaks several signs were emblazoned such as radical, wowsers and spiffin' good. "This really can't get worse," Galadriel murmured to herself. She spoke too soon. The Ringwraithes turned around them faced the audience wearing skirts made of banana leaves. She noticed one Ringwraith's skirt was falling apart. His fellow Ringwraithes didn't notice and trod on the banana leaves that fell off. "Does anyone have anymore banana leaves?" he asked. The rest of the Ringwraithes were trying to organise their skirts again when there was a roar, a bang and Sauron strode up the aisle looking livid, but with a dark lord it was hard to tell, they wore iron masks that weren't too good for telling emotions. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF MELKOR ARE YOU @#$% DOING?!" he roared pointing at the Ringwraithes that were cowering on the ground. "We thought you were dead master," one particularly brave and extremely foolish Ringwraith said. "DEAD?! DEAD?! ME THE ALL MIGHTY DARK LORD KILLED BY A @#$% HOBBIT? A PUNY HALFLING WITH LESS THAN HALF A @#$%BRAIN? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?" "A failure of a dark lord," said one quiet voice. Morgoth was smiling smugly at Sauron, it seemed his good humour had returned. "WELL LOOK WHO'S TALKING. I HAD MORE EVIL ACHIEVEMENTS! I DESTROYED THE RACE OF NUMENOR!" That was a mistake. The Dunedain attacked him and because the orcs were too busy killing the uruk-hais and vice versa. The ungoliants only took orders from Morgoth and were watching on. Aragorn blew the Horn of Gondor which was now held together with pieces of tape. The sound was slightly off, before it sounded like a choking goose, now it sounded like a cow stepped on the goose. All the Dunedain left Sauron lying on the ground and flocked to Aragorn. "Thank you. That was lovely, yes, ah, very nice Ringwraithes. Next we have Gimli and his axe demonstration." Scattered applause from the dwarf section mainly. Galadriel heard a high pitched excited giggle coming from behind her and had a nasty suspicion growing in her stomach that was making her feel like retching. Swallowing hard she shook her head to try and clear her mind of a mental image. Bad mistake, her head throbbed and she glared at Haldir hovering by the chair. "Bring me something to drink. Something strong." Haldir nodded, "Would you like some elven wine?" The sympathy in his eyes made her want to strangle him. "Yes, and bring me some ale, dwarven malt beer, orc liquor, ent draught and a big mug." Haldir looked shocked but retreated. He returned with a try laden with pints and a big mug. Galadriel poured all the alcohol into the mug and took one long draught. Her mind blanked out, the theatre swam before her eyes. Her throat burned and she felt nauseous but none the less, the pain that had been lancing through her head cleared, she couldn't feel it anymore, in fact she couldn't feel anything anymore and she decided that she like it that way. Gimli was demonstrating the different ways an axe could cut into wood with the ents wincing at each stroke. Suddenly a high-pitched voice called out, "Gimli, you're such a babe!" Shocked Gimli let go of the axe and it went flying into the audience. Straight into the trunk of an elderly sleeping ent. That got the ents aroused and they came charging at Gimli. "Don't worry Gimli my darling! I'll save you!" the same voice cried. Galadriel felt something go by her cheek as a figure swung from a rope onto the stage. She squinted and gasped. "God no!" It was Glorfindel. Suddenly the feeling of oblivion left her as she threw up in the basin Haldir had put beside her. Damn that elf, he always knew what was going to happen. The pain in her head came back, doubled. She tried to focus on the stage and saw Glorfindel trying to fight off the ents. The poor fellow didn't stand a chance. Gandalf rushed over to the fallen Glorfindel while Radagast calmed the ents. They wouldn't listen to reason and it wasn't until Radagast threatened to sing all the verses of 'There's a hole in the ale jar' that they moved off stage. Gandalf bent over Glorfindel and looked him over. "Its okay. He's just got a dislocated jaw." Galadriel was still too shocked to speak. So this was why Glorfindel was drooling. Oh, god, oh god, oh god. Major pain in head, cannot cope. Elrond crept meekly into the hall, his eyes darting around. Seeing Galadriel and Arwen in the balcony he yelped and jumped behind Illuvatar. "What's Elrond doing here?" Galadriel asked Haldir, "I thought he was delaying Illuva-" There was a smash as the theatre door was ripped off its hinges. Galadriel craned her head and saw Illuvatar standing in the doorway looking very pissed off. "WHY WASN'T I TOLD OF THIS TALENT QUEST!!!!" he roared. If Sauron had been bad it was nothing compared with this. "I GAVE YOU ALL YOUR MISERABLE LIVES OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART! I AM YOUR FATHER AND CREATOR AND WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS @#$% TALENT QUEST?!" "Well there's the answer to your question," Haldir commented dryly. Illuvatar saw Galadriel and that set him off again. "WHAT'S THIS? GALADRIEL IS JUDGING?! THAT DOES IT! I WILL SPARE ALL YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE LIVES BUT I WILL JUDGE. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING OT SAY ABOUT THAT?" He glared at everyone in the audience as if daring someone to protest but anyone with half a brain would know better than to stand up to a livid god. "GOOD. ARAGORN CONTINUE WITH THE SHOW." Illuvatar materialised next to Galadriel who shuffled aside with her drink and basin. Elrond crept out from under the chair and caught a glare from Galadriel and a suspicious look from Arwen. "Is he wearing my best dress?" Arwen asked. Galadriel who had buried her head in a cushion Haldir passed her shot up. Bad mistake, the pain became worse but this she had to see. Squinting over the balcony she saw Elrond creeping up the aisle trying to be unnoticed. "Hey Elrond!" she called, "Nice lingerie! Very sexy!" That's when every single head turned to focus on Elrond who had turned beet red. He muttered something darkly and took a seat next to Legolas who had his remaining hair shaved off and was now bald as an egg. Both elves were trying to hide in their seats and scowling. Aragorn stepped onto stage again and looked like he was cross between covering his eyes and laughing hysterically. "And now we have Boromir and Faramir and their alphabet." Boromir and Faramir walked on, each a can of baked beans. They ate the cans and waited. Then it came. They were farting out the alphabet. "A, B, C, D, E, F, G.." Boromir started. Galadriel moaned and smothered herself even deeper into the cushion. She reached for the mug and found it was empty. Looking over at Illuvatar she noticed he was looking very traumatised, the expression then changed to something of happy oblivion. Obviously he had found the ways mixed liquor could calm the mind, or at least fog it up. "Haldir.." Galadriel croaked, her voice box suddenly didn't seem to be working. She hadn't even finished the sentence when Haldir handed her another mug. She glared at him for just being there and drank the contents down. It was strong black coffee. Galadriel swore as she felt her body returning to earth sharply. The pain in her head was more apparent. Haldir stared at her as she kept on swearing. When she ran out of elvish curses, she used the ones in dwarvish, orcish and some in the Black Speech that sounded more colourful. "Get me liquor, lots of it. None of this coffee stuff okay?" Haldir nodded mutely and returned with another mug. "..W, X, Y, Z." Boromir and Faramir had finished. They beamed at the audience who was unsure whether to clap or not. Boromir was dragged off by a distressed Dunedain and Faramir by a disturbed hobbit. Aragorn returned to the stage wearing a gas mask. "What a lovely performance. Now we have the last act (there were several sighs of relief from the audience), Gandalf with his surprise act." Gandalf walked on stage trailing a white sheet. He wrapped the sheet around his head so he looked like a nun with a large point and pulled out a microphone. Music came on in the background. "Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time." Gandalf warbled. Nonononononononononono. Galadriel drained the rest of her mug and ripped Illuvatar's (right out of his hands) and drank that too. She started pounding her head on the table to block out Gandalf singing. There was another thump, thump, thump as Galadriel saw Illuvatar doing exactly what she was doing. Haldir collapsed on the floor with his hands over his ears, moaning softly. There was a horrible wailing from the audience and a thundering as they stormed the door in an effort to get out. Galadriel ran out as fast as she could with Haldir and Illuvatar after her. She turned to look at Arwen and saw her sitting calmly. In fact she hadn't had any reaction through the whole performance. Galadriel grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her out. They barred the door as soon as they were outside. Galadriel stared at Arwen who still looked unruffled. "What is wrong with you?" she asked. Arwen looked at her blankly. "What?" "Didn't you hear Gandalf singing?" "Gandalf was singing? I didn't hear. I had my earplugs in." Galadriel stared open mouthed at her, "Why the hell didn't I think of that?" she asked herself, falling flat on the ground. She winced as her head made contact with the ground. "Because I was the one who chose to marry a mortal man so I learnt mortal ways." "How come all the other mortals didn't think of ear plugs?" Arwen smiled, "Because I am also elf." Galadriel closed her eyes and sighed. Maybe mingling with mortals wasn't such a bad idea. She fell asleep and woke up the next day with a massive hangover. That's when she swore to quit drinking. The next year there was another talent quest. Galadriel made sure she was leaving for Valinor just before that day. As she and the other elves approached Cirdan she saw another cloaked figure. The cloaked figure turned around. Galadriel gasped. It was Gandalf. He grinned happily. "I never got to finish my performance," he said. As Galadriel boarded the ship she sincerely hoped that the Valar had a drink strong enough to knock a person out for a few days. Well, there goes my oath she thought gloomily as she buried her head in a pillow. Gandalf was singing at the top of his lungs on the top deck. It was going to be a very long trip. 


End file.
